Monday, February 28, 2011

Stewing--Cooking up some "What to Do?" Stew

Not gonna lie, last week was tough. So much for raising my glass. "Put the glass back down, Corrie. You look like an idiot." haha! We had Jessica in town--don't know if it was a pleasant experience for her but it was nice to have some emotional support because I was almost to my breaking point.

After talking to my mom, I realized (for the 85th time) that I try to do too much. Most women do. I know I always have. I remember being in High School and my mom would say nervously, "Corrie, that's too much. Can you fit it all in?" In life, there are some things you have to do and some things you want to do. And everything I want to do, I sign up for because...it sounds fun! Until you realize that you have a nervous twitch, a fever blister sprouting on your lip and you're not really nice to anyone anymore, then things aren't fun. Life's just so short and I want to get it all in! I gotta cut back on what I can, realizing that I have two little ones and that's the season I'm in.

I was really pushed over the edge when the school counselor called me. Beatle has not been herself and in the last week, it's like I have an almost-6-year-old Woody Allen living in my home. She's scared of everything and the neuroses she has number the stars in the sky. She's literally been paralyzed with fear. It's unsettling to see someone change so much. Where is my keeps-you-laughing, wise-beyond-her-years Beatle? She's in there somewhere, buried beneath heaps of what the counselor cites is Separation Anxiety. I feel helpless, trying to be patient as this stage passes. We can only speculate what triggered it. Teachers, church volunteers, all say that she hasn't been herself in almost a month but it's really been kicked into hyper-drive in the last week. She says she's just "too used to me", "she misses me", "afraid I won't pick her up from school", BR "won't find his way home from Lowe's", on and on and on. I was literally on the pot and she came to check on me three times to see if I was safe. I was ready to punch my safety cuckoo clock out by the time I had washed my hands. She tells us that she doesn't want to cry but she just does. She can't pinpoint why she feels this way; it just washes over her. We are left to only speculate. The school was quick to point the finger at Baby since we got her a month ago and I agree that must have a strong tie-in but it left me feeling like crap because we chose to bring Baby in and I don't want it to be the psychological downfall of our other child. A counselor friend of ours speculated what I feel to be the strongest reason for her insecurities, not singularly feeling displaced because of Baby (even though she's shared that it's hard being the oldest with two babies) but witnessing that families can break-down and moms can walk away. Those being thoughts that she's hopefully never entertained before. And, all of this intensified when I went to Oklahoma, leaving her at home with just Dad for the first time. I don't know. Just pray for Beatle when you think of her and pray for us that we can help her feel secure again. This just isn't her and that's a helpless feeling for a parent.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Raise your Glass

It's quiet. It's rainy. Other than my house being in a constant state of disorganization lately, this would be a perfect morning. Believe me, it's a nice-enough break from the craziness that was last week. I was out of town for 48 hours but we still managed to cram in 5 doctor's appointments, a court mediation and parental visitations. I'm quite certain that having a foster child as the third is very different than having three of your own children. Her schedule keeps me hopping! All of the girls are on medicine now so I think the worst is behind us! Poor Birdie, I have never seen Pink Eye like that. She woke up Saturday morning and she looked SO Chinese! And the goop, I'll spare you on the details about the goop! But I don't think there was one orphous between the three of them that didn't drain! 'Nuff said!

It was so nice to go to OK and have the adult to child ratio back in the adults' favor for awhile! :) It was really nice to be home and have some extra hands on deck. My in-laws are great and kept the babies while I got to go wedding dress shopping with my sister. It was a wonderful day and memory that the three of us (me, mom and suz) will always cherish. She found her dress and it is BEAUTIFUL!

Brent lacks just a few finishing touches to our new deck in the backyard and we are all chomping at the bit to use it. His eye is finally looking better and he's completely tired of all the "Betcha you won't talk back to her again" comments.

The neighbors across the street are laying low. Yippee! All we want is some courtesy.

Oh, and I'm picking back up on my Bible reading--making up for lost time and so far, I haven't been struck by lightning. :)

And, we are expecting our dear friend, Jessica, in from KY tomorrow night! She's going to be staying a few days and we are excited! Her husband will be out of town so she's packing it up to come see us. They visited us last Easter and it made Easter SO special! I met her when I was working for an attorney in Ft. Worth. We started pretty close to the same time. She is a spunky, little spit-fire so we got along famously and then when our families met, we all hit it off. Our friendship has strengthened throughout the years and we still keep very much in touch so, it's much like seeing family when she comes--comfortable and refreshing.

Here's to a calmer, more enjoyable week than last!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Why I Don't Read the Bible

Ok, the people I know who read my blog are great Christian people but I'd be willing to hedge a bet that many of them don't do a consistent, daily Bible study and fewer actually enjoy it. Maybe I'm wrong and good for you if I am. Last year, Brent and I read a book called "Crazy Love" and I found it very liberating from the guilt, dread, and shame I felt from all my legalistic feelings of "having to read the Bible every day" and setting my alarm early but then snoozing through reading and feeling like crap all day or blearily reading it, feeling like I got nothing out of it. When I was a teenager, I truly found joy in reading my Bible. Brent teased me when we got together because almost every bit of my New Testament was highlighted because I just kept thinking, "Oh, this is good stuff!" and would highlight some more.

While I found the book refreshing, I've felt like it's time to dive into scripture now that I'm at home and have more scripture memorized than I have lines from SpongeBob. I started up right after Beatle went to school and my days had more routine than the summer. I loved it and was getting so much out of it but it didn't last long and then here came the thunderclouds. Ever since I was a teenager, I've been PLAGUED by spiritual battles and many times the only thing that kept me going was the thought that if Satan wanted to destroy me SO much, God must have an enormous plan for me that he wants to foil. But, at this point in my life, I don't feel like I'm working this enormous plan yet, and I just waved the white flag of surrender and quit reading my Bible. Knowing that I still connect with God on many other levels, that suited me fine for awhile but then that feeling to do more came back to haunt me.

BR came home two weeks ago after a staff meeting and said that John was getting stern with the staff about reading their Bibles daily which (gasp!) ministers don't always do either. John's very disciplined and by the following week he wanted every minister to report back their plan because if you fail to plan then you plan to fail, right? BR was kicking around some ideas and then after some soul-searching I proposed that instead of us unwinding to my favorite trashy Bravo show every night(double gasp!) after we put the girls to bed, that we read our Bibles then. He loved the idea and got us two Chronological 365-Day NIV Bibles. Beatle had just outgrown her Children's Bible so we got her an older one and we were all reading our Bibles for 3 days until literally, all HELL broke loose!

We have had the STUPIDEST 48 hours and my sister and I agreed on the phone that my family is falling apart at the seams both physically and emotionally. Unless you lived it, I don't know if you can feel the shear magnitude of stress and hopelessness I felt on Saturday night. In a nutshell, the three points were Brent busting his face beyond belief, Beatle getting pneumonia, a "killer" ear infection and pink eye (unbelievable!) and a neighborhood brawl where the cops came twice, a toothless lady (God only knows where she came from) said "some b*tch called the cops" and then I announced that I was "that b*tch" and then imagine the scene from the Exorcist where she sprays green puke everywhere only substitute those for expletives from the toothless lady's mouth. Honestly, it may not sound like it but I really minded my manners. Was I emotional? Absolutely! Always am. I was primed and ready to tussle but instead just walked away (with Brent's guided help) and went inside to the sound of them mocking our faith and let him, the rest of the neighbors, and the cops try to appeal to any good sense our other neighbors might have deep, DEEE--EEP down. It was a horrible night! One I hope to never repeat.

So, am I wussing out on reading my Bible? Can't say I haven't thought about it because peace seems to avoid me when I'm dedicated to it. The tide will soon turn (I'm hoping!) and I will start reaping the benefits instead of the trouble! It would be so easy to quit but I really think I'm going to stick it out this time. I'm not sure if I have much of a choice now that I'm accountable to Brent, too! :)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue...

...Brent is my Valentine and his face are those colors too!

My favorite part of the Wizard of OZ movie has always been when they get to the Emerald City and everyone's singing and dancing around and that wonderful horse keeps changing colors! I was always mesmerized. That's how I feel with Brent's face in these last 24 hours--mesmerized.

Let me start at the beginning...Brent the Builder. What a surprise it was to me that after 5 years of marriage and apartment hopping, when we finally had a home of our own, how handy Brent is. Before, he'd show me the things he built in shop class but I just likened it to the sweatshirts I sewed in Home Ec. Could I sit down in front of a sewing machine and crank one out again without guidance and supervision...no! So, I didn't think much of it but when we had to work on our house to get it ready for an inspection, I started to see his craftmanship bloom.



What a man! Then, his home improvement projects heightened his awareness that he needed more tools (maybe that was his plan all along). Now, he has a bevy of saws to get most jobs done. Like building my entryway stall that I had been wanting for years...



Or a simple, unobtrusive shelf in our bathroom (that I've yet to adorn fully).



And when I busted Beatle's playground, he took timber and made a fortress, giving me no grief. (ok, a tiny bit but it was deserved.)



So, after some planning, measuring, and estimating, he bought the lumber to add on to our tiny deck in our backyard. During the warmer months, our favorite place to be is our own backyard and the other deck had no railing. Entertaining out there was cramped and dangerous because I just knew that someone was going to scoot their chair back too far and tumble off the side. BR was so excited to get started and I made some kind of comment like, "How long do you think this will take? There's no way you can get it done in one weekend, right? Like two or three?" He saw that as a challenge. One weekend it will be! So, before Upward on Saturday morning, here he is busting the ice and ripping up the existing deck.



After Upward and a quick bite of lunch, he couldn't wait to get back out there but Beatle and I were still at the table finishing ours when he came back in staggering. All I could see was his sillhoete until he got closer and I saw he was covered in dirt and the side of his face was swollen and around his eye was starting to change color. He was giving this one board heck with the crowbar when something slipped and the fell between those support beams but not before busting his face on it. He was down for the count for awhile and took the afternoon off from building. When he felt up to it, we went to a home and garden show last night and he was garnering all kinds of looks. We called a doctor friend of ours and got some reassurance that there was no serious internal head trauma due to him having no symptoms but this is how he looked getting ready for church this morning.



OW! Poor Brent! Dare I say that the deck will take an extra weekend???

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Spotlight on Beatle

The other day, we had to go to Walgreens and Beatle took some money she had left over from a garage sale and said she wanted to buy something. It's hard for me to help her to appreciate a dollar when there aren't many things she can get for a dollar or two (with tax) anymore! All of the toys were way out of her price range and the stuffed animal her friend Bailey has wasn't attainable this trip either. I was trying to encourage her to save the two dollars she had so next time she could get something like what she was eye-balling but she was a woman on a mission--to blow her money. (Hey, we've all be there.) So, I steered her to the Valentine's candy. I picked up my pictures and came back to where she was and her eyes were like friggin' pinwheels. She was stuck and completely overwhelmed by all of the red and pink packaging. I asked her if she wanted help making a decision and she said yes. I was asking her what she was in the mood for: fruity? chocolate? chewy? She responded with her chest heaving, "Whatever I can get my tongue on!" haha! The urgency of the situation was not lost on me; that girl needed some candy fast!

I want to convey something but I don't know how I should word this. I need to be careful. You know how you don't want to make something bigger than it is but you also want to give the situation the consideration that it deserves? That's what BR and I are dealing with Beatle. Let's put it this way, there's still more school year left but great improvements on Beatle's part in regards to her writing need to be made. We want to take it seriously but also don't want Beatle to be self-conscious about herself or be discouraged about school. She is SO bright! If, for a second, I thought she were as dumb as a box of rocks, I would not be sharing this with the world but I am so confident that when she gets the hang of writing, she will take off and blow her first grade teacher's socks off with the big words she will write. I was telling her that yesterday before we went to the church to work out. On our way home, I was telling her that we went an hour earlier so I took a different class than my usual Kettlebells. She asked what that one was called and I told her "Build and Burn". She said that sounded scary and I asked what she thought I was building in class. I had my hands on the steering wheel but with my right t-shirt sleeve pulled up a little, ready for her to say "muscles?" and then, on cue, I was going to lean down and kiss my bicep--fully expecting her to roll her eyes and collapse into giggles. She literally stunned me when she said, "Stamina?" I was dumbfounded and then I started giggling, saying, "See! That's one of those words that will make your first grade teacher's eyeballs fall out when she reads that in context!"

Just a few miles down the road, I was being goofy (must have been those endorphins)and Beatle was holding a lip gloss tube. I never saw it coming. She yelled, "Pacifier!" right as she popped that lip gloss right between my lips and plugged me up. Haha! She's my daughter, but she's my friend too people! I can't help it! She's a riot to be around.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Panic in Produce

I'm having total flashbacks. Last night, I rested in our leather recliner with a sick little Birdie sleeping on my chest; I could have sworn she was a little Beatle instead. I was taken back to those nights when I'd sit up with Beatle in Ft. Worth. I have to admit though, having insurance this time around took away a lot of the lonliness and anxiety I used to feel in that tiny apartment on those sleepless nights. I honest-to-goodness love those sweet, sick baby cuddles. There is nothing like it! Birdie's never been one to be rocked or held too terribly much so, although my heart went out for her, it was a little slice of heaven for me. She still seems a little needier today but her fever's gone down.

So, yesterday, I was on the phone with my sister doing a little wedding planning with her and grocery shopping for me when all of a sudden I caught sight of someone. My heart started pounding, I dove behind the pineapples and I almost shat in my pants...IT WAS BABY'S MOM! Luckily, I didn't have Baby like I did the week before at Wal-mart. This stuff is all new to me and I didn't know what to do--I was just totally freaking out! We've seen each other at court so we can recognize each other. I went and made my way to the check-out bravely with my scrappy sister still on the phone. I then started feeling this little tug on my heart and a voice saying "You forgot the Olive Oil, Oil, Oil..." Oh, and another one saying, "She's not a rabid animal. You should speak to her and get some perspective." So, knowing that I spit in the face of danger, Suzy let me off the phone after getting some contact information and a physical description of the suspect. And when I made my way back toward the olive oil, Baby's mom was alone coming in my direction. I spoke. She seemed hesitant. I was empathetic. She hung her head and both sets of eyes filled with tears. I never did get my olive oil but we met each other for awhile heart to heart, mother to mother outside of the freezer section. (Without giving her any of our personal contact information, Suzy!) I may sound naive to some but I'm rooting for her because I believe that God will never stop rooting for her.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

peek-a-boo!

I swear this isn't staged! This is Birdie's MO most days.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Psych!

No one's awake yet; it was just some whining downbeat in Bobby Flay's background track.

I hear it's supposed to be snowing up a storm in OK. Here in AR, it's just raining and pouring. The old man's at work and isn't snoring but I get to work in my PJs all day. I do love that feature of my job.

Beatle had her first Upward basketball game on Saturday (and it was ours too as coaches). We had fun! It was a circus on the court but Beatle stayed preoccupied with biting her fingernails and staring off into space. When she actually engages, if basketball doesn't toughen Beatle up I don't know what will.

Beatle is supposed to journal daily and her teacher looks at what she's done at home when she reviews the journals on Monday. Over the weekend, she journaled that she bloodied her knee while playing basketball with me in our backyard. And, in the picture, her little knees were all bloddy and I stood above her, holding the basketball, laughing. Which it is true, but seriously didn't want that documented for Mrs. B to see!

Whoa, whoas

With the soundtrack of crying in the background, I wipe goopy noses and change poopy diapers galore. Every day is a mixed bag, some good and some ugly but I do love taking care of Birdie and Baby. Baby has a placement with a great, great aunt and uncle in OK if mom doesn't get her stuff together. (yes, great, great...isn't that ridiculous??) They are good people and already have Baby's big brother. We could still have Baby for a few more months though.

Beatle and I decided to make a shoebox into a Valentine's Day box for our family. She told me that she already made Birdie a Valentine and put it in the box. Meanwhile, BR jacked $10 of grocery money change off the table. I teased him about it later that day and he claimed no knowledge. We thought it must have been Beatle but kept forgetting to ask her. When I was cleaning one day, I peeked in our box and taped to Birdie's Valentine card was my crinkled $10. Haha. Sorry, Birdie. I think I'll use that $10 for some baby food for you.

Birdie is a crazy loon. She's so much more adventurous than Beatle was. She's a very determined young lady no matter what the risk. She's constantly discovering hazards and scaling things around the house and even in the church nursery. She's such a spunky, little, anemic pixie. When she finds something she fancies, she empatically calls them "Whoa, whoa"s. She'll hold it out for us to see, with her eyes big and her lips pooched out saying "whoa, whoa!!" It's cute. She has a funny little personality but she poops more than any kid I know! I don't get it. She does love her fruit. Gross, I know. Sorry.

Well, someone's awake. I better go. I realize my stories are lacking lately; I'll try to dig a little deeper. :)