The Worst Perfect Christmas EVER!

Ok, ok, ok...Clark Griswald gets the award for the Worst Perfect Christmas Ever; we'll just settle for second place. Don't get me wrong, we had a wonderful time but perfect? Hardly! Thankfully John preached a sermon earlier in the month reminding us to not get all strung out trying to create the perfect Christmas; for heaven's sake, the first Christmas lacked candlelight, crackling fires, packages and snow--it was simple and rude in it's very nature. I listened, got the point and I tried but I was hosting Christmas! I was going to be a grown lady! I was going to at least give it my best shot to be magical, all the while remembering that if things go hay-wire to just roll with it...but I don't roll very well. Before my parents arrived, I yelled at Birdie once for sitting on my porcelain plates although someone should have yelled at me for putting them where an-almost-2-year-old COULD sit on them (but I was pulling them out to set the table!) and I yelled at Beatle once for repeatedly coughing on the sugar cookie dough and eventually had to kick her out of the kitchen for further offenses (it icks me out when people tell me their kids helped make something because I know how hygenic children are). So, I tried to regroup and be laid back the rest of the day. My goal was to make the house perfect for when the guests arrived and then let go because I can only hold a house of cards together for so long, people! Once I regrouped, I let go of the stress and enjoyed it and our house looked beautiful! It did! I should have taken pictures but this one is scarily similar...


My parents were about 30 minutes away and I thought I would jump in the shower. A few minutes later Brent came barging in saying something. I had to get him to repeat it several times and lean out the door to figure out that he said, "Beatle just threw up." Oh freakin' no! Why does that child start to puking every time we're about to have a great time? It's so normal now that it feels just like the background music of the high moment video montage of our lives. So we get her set-up in the recliner. Jas dirties her diaper while BR's still cleaning Beatle's mess. So, the only one who realizes and greets my family at the door is a weak child with a puke bowl.

We hoped that it was Strep for Beatle but when Birdie threw up later that night, we knew the Holiday House had just become the House of Horrors. Brent and I subsequently got it and, while the girls were over it in less than a day, I'm still not right! I spent WAY more quality time with my bathroom than I wanted while having houseguests. Unfortunately, my parents wound up taking the virus home with them as a parting gift. We tried SO hard to keep it contained to just us.

Now for the Christmas Eve debacle heard 'round the world and will probably be the reason cited for why she is on Lockdown: Texas Women Prisons in 30 years.



Oh yeah, buddy. There are so many words I could use but to pick one--DISASTER! Santa's elves had been happily assembling a trampoline for the girls in our neighbor's backyard during the day on Christmas Eve. That was a risky move but successful so when night fell, the elves didn't have to do anything but move it into place while the girl elves stuffed stockings on Santa's behalf. Perfect! We delighted in our plan, mused at how smart the lead elf was and secretly back slapped each other for once again, a job well done. Please, please heed my advice. These are sage words from a woman who was chewed up and spit out by a cross-examination that felt more like from a shrewd prosecutor than a 6-year-old on Christmas Eve: NEVER, EVER LET YOUR CHILDREN NAP ON CHRISTMAS EVE! WEAR THEIR BUTTS OUT!

Beatle, all jacked up on sugarplums and her 2-hour-we-thought-she-was-still-recovering-from-the-tummy-bug-nap, came out of her room announcing that she couldn't sleep. I leapt at her, swooping her back into her bedroom but couldn't stop her wandering eyes from glancing over my shoulder and spying already full stockings. She burst into accusations and tears. "You stuff my stockings! You eat the cookies and make it look like Santa! You write the note with fancy handwriting! No wonder you all were so excited, you get to stay up and eat cookies and peek at your presents! THERE'S NO SANTA!!! Why??? Why did you do this to me???" She went on for several minutes--anger mixed with sorrow. At one point, I nervously giggled because I knew we effed this one up big time. I've wondered before if we should do Santa. I mean, I like the big guy and our parents did it for us but I never wanted our children to believe in a man/force they couldn't see and it turn out to be fake all the while we encourage them to believe in another man they can't see while we keep promising that HE'S real. But then again, I've never even heard of an adult that doesn't believe in Jesus because Santa isn't real! Laying beside her in her bed while she wailed, I realized that I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent. I'm just trying the best I can.

Aunt Suzy came in. I breathed a sigh of relief, ah, ye olde auntly advice and some much needed backup. She came and sat on the bed and, trying to assess the extent of the damage, asked, "What's wrong, Brenny?" Then, Beatle hammered away on her too. I could see the whites of Suzy's eyes in the dark bedroom get wider as Beatle descended further into her devastation and as quietly as she came in, Aunt Suzy got up, walked across the room and left me for dead! (But as I found out, she was calling in the big guns and went to fetch our resident-Wonderful-Counselor.)

Brent came in and spoke such soothing words to her and, with my partner there, I was able to find some words too that left her feeling excited instead of betrayed by the morning. (For the record: We've never looked her in the eye and said, "Yes, Brendle, there is a Santa." And, even at Easter when she proclaimed she loved Santa more than Jesus, Brent laid the hammer down on Passover Friday in his office but kids want to believe and she kept believing. Heck, we all want to believe in magic. So, through the whole thing, we could at least say that we did tell her the truth.) It was rough! But in the morning, she had brushed it off and had a fantastic time on her new trampoline and playing with the rest of her presents.

Birdie loves the trampoline and will say, "Outside, PEEEAASSS!" or "More jump." She was precious this year on Christmas. She knew how to open everything and with each thing she opened, she wanted to play with it right then and was perfectly content doing so until we gave her something else to open. And Beatle gave me my FAVORITE gift ever. She loves to craft but will usually come up with some doozy things that really stretch the imagination to get what she was getting out of the whole thing. She had crafted something in the play room in early December and wrapped it and put it under the tree. Honestly, I didn't give it much thought because I figured it would be some little junky "treasure". It was perfect though! The card said, "Thank you Mom for everything. I love you. Have something for you. Love, Brendle <3 :)" and inside was a red solo cup with three different facial expressions completed with googly eyes around it: mad, happy and not sure. So I can turn the cup and give everyone a warning as to how I feel throughout the day! (Poor kid, she knows I'm an emotional train-wreck apparently.) :) She gave such good gifts. What a big heart she has!

We truly did have a great week but sometimes I'm glad Christmas only comes 'round once a year! ;)

Fat Larry

Ahh...Larry's Pizza. We throw down in that place! We used to have one here but then we didn't and now we do again...the saga continues. We would drive a town away just to eat when we didn't have it. We broke the new one in today. I saw a girl from the fitness ministry up there and made her solemnly pledge she would not count how many times I got up to go back to the buffet. Since I drew attention to it, she probably kept a tally mark at her table. :) In the car, before we went in, Brent said in his most cautious voice, "Let's lose our minds in there." It took me a second to realize that the word "NOT" wasn't in that warning. Beatle and I have this running joke about that place; their supreme pizza is called "Fat Larry". When they are busy, the waitresses walk around with the pizza calling out what they have. On more than one occasion, Beatle and I have been hunched over, going to town on our slices when some one comes up behind us and calls us a "Fat Larry". It makes you want to spin around and ask if they kiss their mothers with that mouth until you realize that they're just offering you a slice of pizza. So, Beatle and I will randomly say to each other "Fat Larry!" We've gotten so used to it that we usually wind up calling the place Fat Larry's.

Today, Brent, Birdie and I had a really nice day. Brent was off work and neither of us had any obligations so we ran errands together. On our way home from Fat Larry's, he sighed a contented sigh and said, "I love it when it's just the two of us." Gesturing to the backseat, he continued, "And sometimes, I just ignore her and pretend like it's still just the two of us." Well, that explains a lot, buddy! :)

Wish me luck...we're going to try to do Santa pictures this weekend. I tried to lay the groundwork with Birdie but it was quite evident when she saw him earlier today that she hated his guts. She's going to be a cryer unless we can work through this in group therapy before our attempt.

Utah Peril

We were in the car the other afternoon and Beatle bursts out singing "Deck the Halls" but it's so funny because in these Christmas Carols there are a lot of old fashioned words that are hard for kids to get right. "...la, la, la, la. Join the ancient Utah peril. Fa, la, la, la..." "What did you just sing?" "Join the ancient Utah peril." "Oh!" I laughed a little. "What?" "Well, it's actually Join the ancient Yule-tide carol." She tried to say it a few times slowly but kept flubbing it up. With an exaggerated twang she said, "Oh mom, I'm just too cou-ntry to say it right."


The next evening, we were at the Fitness Ministry's Christmas gathering and before the meal our Minister of Activities was going to pray. I was feeding Jasmine on the bleachers while the rest of the fam had sat at a table across the gym. The minister, obviously emotional, started with "Lord Jesus, we celebrate you and only you this season." Then, from the peanut gallery, I hear Birdie, "NooooOOOOOOO!" and not long after, the supressed, church giggles being forced through Beatle's nose while her lips stayed buttoned. Oh my gosh, I can't take them ANYWHERE! :)

Christmas is kicking our butts. Last night, I went and did my churchly duties but as soon as my part was over, I loaded the girls up and went home early. Beatle's been extremely emotional everyday; everything just seems to be overwhelming to her right now. I can't blame her; when she leaves the house, sometimes she won't be back for 12 hours--that's too much for a 6-year-old. Brent and I have agreed that we are going to tag-team parties--someone stays home with the girls while the other goes to the necessary party.

We were asked to light the Advent Candles on Sunday morning. I made no promises that Birdie would mind. Honestly, I can't wait to see what happens. Plus, Mom just got the girls Christmas dresses and new shoes so I know that they will look well groomed (that's a rarity!). I can't decide if we are going to take Jasmine up there with us or not. Probably so...she's doing just about everything else with us!

A friend came over and helped get my sewing machine situated so I could make stockings. We haven't had proper stockings which wasn't a problem until...Christmas is at MY HOUSE this year! I've been a busy little elf. But Beatle's totally freaking out because we have NO presents under the tree and John just preached a sermon asking "Why do we give gifts to each other when it's Jesus' birthday?" I should have given her a paper bag to breathe into. :)

Jelly of the Month Club

For the first time in my life, we have Christmas lights hanging on the outside of our house. We took a stab at it when we lived in Ft. Worth but this is for real. When I was a kid, I remember finding some old Christmas lights and asking my dad to hang them but he never would, always citing, "We live in the country; who would see them?" Good point. But now, oh now, we've got them up! So fun!

I teach the 3-year-old Sunday School class and in our class we have the sweetest, most chipper child. She's tall and slim with curly blonde hair and blue eyes. Although her features are delicate, she's more on the tom-boy spectrum. This poor child CANNOT sit still for ANYTHING. Her nature is so sweet though! In her little chipmunk voice, every Sunday, she calls me "Miss Cordy". It is the most precious thing ever and I will never correct her.

All of the girls have junky coughs. Today, Birdie, with all of her delicate features, woke up with sinus breath that could slay a dragon. Yikes! Poor kid!

I picked up a book for my brother-in-law to mail to him while he's deployed but I didn't think it was fair to mail him a book I've never read personally, so I thought I'd read the first chapter at least to get a feel for it. I can't put it down! And, after college, I haven't stuck with many non-fiction books at all. The crazy thing is it's called "Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul". Random! I wonder if when I finish it, I'll look down to find that I've sprouted chest hair of my own. But really, it's given me such perspective!! I grew up with a sister, have girls of my own, girl friends with girls of their own; I don't understand boys and haven't really tried. This book has convicted me of my gender-superior attitude I have toward men and my usual dislike for the majority of boys. How wrong I've been! I would highly recommend this book to just about everyone--wives, mothers, men. It's been very interesting. I thought about highlighting or underlining parts for Zac but Brent said that would be creepy. Probably true! :)

So, I'm feeling a little like Clark Griswold this Christmas...with all of our unexpected expenses this fall, our gift fund has been depleted so if the church opts for a jelly of the month club bonus, we're screwed. Haha! Not worried though; it's just stuff. Beatle would probably disagree. :)

Just Say "No!" to the Veruca Salts of the World

We're going with a whack-a-doodle Christmas Card this year. It is ridiculously hard to get us all gussied, get great lighting and do the self-timer on our camera while we are in our forced "natural" poses. :) Look forward to getting it! It will probably go in the back of your Christmas card tree. Ha! However, I fear I didn't order enough. I'm probably going to have to pay shipping twice. Ugh! I hate it when I get click-happy!

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends! Such a nice relaxing time. I really enjoy having help with the girls. Even Brent is able to be more engaged because he's on vacation. The ride there and back was suprisingly easy--crowded with all three in the backseat but minimal chaos. Although it will be different, it's nice to know that we are staying put for Christmas (and I already "ruined" Christmas when I was very pregnant with Birdie so it's easier the second time).

Brent and I wheeled into town very much in need of a date night. His parents watched the girls while we stepped out in Norman; nothing like revisiting your old stomping ground. We had some awesome gyros at The Greek House on Campus Corner and then tried Michaelangelo's Coffee and Chocolate on Main. We ended the night Seran Wrapping my sister's jeep in her driveway. It was awesome to retool our priorities, revisit goals and laugh together.

Beatle, since she was about a year old, has slept in the middle of my parents in their king size bed. This trip, Birdie joined them one night; I think it cramped Beatle's style because she told me expressively the next day, "Do you know this bed is made for three people and last night we had FOUR!"

I think Jasmine knew I was trying to be good at Thanksgiving because she waited until I had just started eating to dirty her diaper in a big, big way. I returned to my plate totally unappetized. But that didn't last long. I started muscleing through, you know, to be polite. And then she did it again right as I was getting seconds! It was over at that point.

We went Black Friday shopping. I don't know if I'll go again. When I was in Toys R Us, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the most un-Christmasy thing I have ever seen. It looked like the beginning of the Grinch. I could just imagine all of those spoiled brats dictating what their parents get them like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Best Buy was better. We might save up and go get a TV next year on Black Friday but then, I think I'll just stay home and go online.

Pics-y

I'm using some recent pictures from my phone to jump start my thoughts on recent family happenings. Sometimes when I sit down to blog, I only have a few precious minutes and I just kind of blank. How do you recap some of this random craziness?



Uhhh...Scaryville! This was taken while I was probably blogging or doing a Scentsy order. I was at my computer and Birdie took it upon herself to bring in the stepstool from the bathroom and try to escape--right out the front door! Thank goodness I keep the storm door locked all the time but it's only a matter of time before she tries to figure out how to undo that!



Rooty, Toot, Toot! I'm tooting my own horn here. I received the award for Volunteer of the Month at Beatle's school. I have to say, I was more excited to get it than I thought I would be. It was perfect because my sister went with me to Park last week and when would I ever have a photographer and not too many passer-by-ers? So, I got proof that my name is in lights. :)



So, most of you have probably had this happen to one of yours in a highchair or something but I think it's so hilarious when kids fall asleep sitting up.

And, I'm giving you this one...on a silver platter. I LOVE my pixie haircut but I continue going to Wal-Mart for my trims. The cut is solid but the styling is out of control! I was cringing while she round-brushed and blow-dried my hair. The lady who took my money did a double take. I payed and prayed that no one would see me until I made it back to the mirror section to try my hand at undoing what she just did. Drumroll...this is Wal-Mart's definition of a pixie cut:

Like a Sausage in Its Casing

So, Christmas came early for me. I asked my mom that, if it was all the same to her, I could put some workout clothes on the ol' family credit card since that's my new stay-at-home uniform these days. With me teaching some classes now and having a few races on the horizon, I really needed those things now instead of waiting till Christmas. (I mean, I have one pair of pants that sort of work and one sports bra and I work out 5 days a week...and I do laundry 1 day a week. Nuff said!) :) She thought it was a great idea until we both realized that my card had expired so she went shopping and brought me some things when they came to visit. She wanted me to do a fashion show like I was 12 again and we had just done back-to-school shopping. I was pretty embarrassed but I thought I could at least humor the little lady. I saw that she had gotten me a top that was a size smaller than I asked for but figured, what the heck, I'd give it a try. It was SO tight--showed everything I had and wished I didn't have! I peeked out around the corner and told her that there would be one we'd have to take back. I retreated quickly to the bedroom and peeled it off, feeling like my fashion show was started off on a bad foot and would end with me spiraling into self-loathing by the time my big finish came to Ke$ha's "Blow". When everything was back on the hangers and I had jumped back into my roomy lounge wear, I showed mom the top that definitely had to go back and she exclaimed that the top was for Beatle! That 12-14 was in KIDS SIZES! I felt so relieved!

Birdie has been so much more affectionate lately--Thank you, God! She's actually been a little sweet and cuddly...unless your name is Brent. I know she loves him but she really doesn't go out of her way to show him that. I feel bad for him because he wants to hold her or help me sometimes but she'll totally freak. I guess it's all this staying-at-home with her business. She'll come around. Her language skills are improving a lot. It's fun to know what she wants and to communicate with her more.

We had a great time at the cabin this weekend! After Birdie pooped in the hot tub, my sister was done with it but that didn't slow Brent and I down from having some date time in the hot, bubbly, poop juice. Haha!!!! Without family here or much money for sitters, we'll suffer through about anything to talk uninterrupted with each other!

Jasmine's been great; it was tricky having her at the cabin just because I didn't want her to disturb anyone's sleep. She sleeps great when we're home and not sharing a room with her. We've really enjoyed having her; it hasn't been a stressful as before. I've put her in daycare just to give me a chance to continue doing all of the things I have on my plate during the day but to also distance myself a little and give myself a chance to be excited to see her at the end of a day. The last two, Nadya and JJ, I had them at home with me all the time for the first month and doing that again, I'm afraid, would cause some burn-out issues I experienced both times. Plus, it sounds kind of cruel but right now, she's not my child and I don't want to throw myself in 100% and go through all the emotional ups and downs I've experienced before when the parents get involved. She's the cutest and sweetest thing ever! She's got a bad little tummy though but she should outgrow her reflux and she's going to be seen tomorrow about a hernia she has.

Young Ladies and Younger Babies

Two nights ago, Brent was holding Beatle in his lap and had a tender moment. He swept her hair out of her face and said, "Beatle, you are becoming a beautiful, young lady." She reached up and held his face and said, "And you are becoming my old daddy." hahaha!!! Trust me, the timing was perfect!



Last night, we got a new baby! Her name is Jasmine and she's 4 months old. I believe that everything happens for a reason and a few months ago, we upped our age to 3-10. Since then, we have gotten only phone calls from friends asking us to watch their foster kids when they were away. We found it odd that our friends were getting babies left and right and although we upped our age, we figured we'd have at least a few desperate calls to keep a baby overnight or something. We kept telling the lady in charge of maintaining the foster homes that we were ready for someone. She said that they have had a rash of babies lately but we were still open and would get a call any day for our new age selection. Yesterday, I got a text from my friend that she asked about us when a caseworker said that Monday they got 7 kids in an hour and several were in our new age group. The caseworker said that our house was marked "full". So, when the lady who maintains it looked at it, it was fine but when the caseworkers trying to place looked, we weren't available. I brought it to their attention and within the hour we got a call about this little baby. They say that she may be adoptable (of course once they give the mom a nice, long shot) but I didn't want to take her for that reason because ANYTHING can happen. In this Sunday's message, a question was posed that asked something to the effect of, "What if we're who we are, where we are, like we are for a reason?" And he talked about Queen Esther and how God would have raised up someone else to rescue Israel, His chosen people, if she chose not to but He put everything into place for her to take that step. Will Baby Jasmine be a part of our permanent family someday? I can't say and want to keep my heart in check during this ride but I do believe that the glitch that kept our home empty for a few months was for a reason--whatever it may be.

Ding-Dong Ditching a Baby

This weekend my family comes to town! We are quite sure this is a record--it's been three months. We're getting a cabin about 30 mins away. It should be a good time; I'm sure it will go too quickly but we'll see them soon at Thanksgiving.

I don't know what has gotten into Birdie! She is just letting loose and peeing her pants like crazy. I had stopped carrying a diaper bag or bringing extra clothes when we went somewhere. She was doing great in panties. But last weekend, we had a few accidents and then this weekend, she's peed in her pants/pull-ups more than she's gone to the potty! Birdie's a bit of a nudist anyways but, this morning, I just let her run around naked because I'm tired of washing so many things when she pees. Elmo was on and she wanted to sit in my lap. A few seconds later, she peed all over me! Craziness! Because of Beatle's history with kidney and urinary infections, I've got my eyes on little Birdie.

At church, we have a Christmas Star Craft Bazaar, where members of the church have booths of their work and donate profits to missions. This year, they had children singing songs while people shopped. We had a friend play the guitar for Beatle and she sang "Away in the Manger". She did good in spite of the fact she didn't have much time to practice because of a music misunderstanding and we are SO thankful for our friend to come in and save the day with his guitar. As soon as she was done, she walked off stage, her face became instantly flushed and she buried her head in my chest. As Beatle grows up, I find myself baffled sometimes that things don't come as easy to her as they did to me when I was a kid. I didn't think much about it when she was small, I guess. I just thought that since she was my kid and acts much like me, we would be very similar. My prayer is that I always cherish her for who she is. Yesterday, there was a pair of sisters who did PHENOMENAL with their songs. These little nerdy girls transformed into superstars when they each started singing. I was blown away and I glanced at the mom to see the pride in her face but all I saw was stern coaching. That's their family and I know the mom has a pageant background so she was probably pushed too but as I'm carving out my parenting style, I realized at that moment that I'd rather do it our way. (Of course, a little more practice would have helped...) :)

I had a Scentsy Sip ~n~ See at my house on Saturday morning. While I was doing that, I asked Brent to take the girls somewhere, anywhere! For the last two weeks, we've been seriously considering a potbelly pig as a pet. It's madness, I know. It could be a very divisive issue; we will either make or lose friends over it, I'm sure. Well, Brent decided to take Beatle to look at the particular pig in question. She found it to be much less cuddly than a fluffy puppy and didn't really want to have anything to do with it. So, that answered some questions! If we get one, it won't be for her sake, I suppose. Why a potbelly, you ask? (As does everyone!) We love the fact that they don't shed, don't need a lot of backyard room, smarter than dogs, their tough skin makes them less likely for fleas and ticks, don't require the vet appts and upkeep dogs do and they're downright interesting! We'll see...we're not in a rush about it especially with Beatle not caring too much.

Beatle and I are doing Secret-Keeper Girl's "8 great dates to have with your daughter". We are nearing the end and one of the dates was to encourage sibling relations so Beatle's "assignment" was to ding-dong ditch someone's house with Birdie, leaving behind a plate of cookies. Brent and I recognized this had the potential to be really cute so, with the extra hour we gained on Saturday, we had the girls (Birdie in her footie pajamas) ding-dong ditch some friends, who are also doing this study. Beatle was getting so excited she "was almost about to pee her pants" (this type of excitement happens a lot for her!) They were so cute holding hands walking up to the house, Beatle sat the goodies down, rang the bell, and RAN FOR HER LIFE, leaving poor little Birdie baffled at the top of the stairs. Brent and I were cracking up. The dad opened the door to see a small, confused child on their porch. HAHA! He gave the girls another shot once he found out what they were trying to do. He rolled with it like a champ. Once the mission was successful and all our children were accounted for, Birdie was babbling on emphatically from her car seat...probably trying to wrap her head around what just happened.

Tweet, tweet. Smell my feet. Give me something good to eat.

I did a kind of bad thing. Brent has been eagerly awaiting his Iphone 2000 or whatever you trendy people are carrying these days. I guess they got all back-ordered or something and it had to be shipped to him. Yesterday, he was coming home soon to pick me up to go somewhere and I was running around getting ready when the FedEx guy rang the doorbell. I signed for the package and laid it on the table. Then, I started thinking that if he saw the Iphone, we would be seriously delayed in our plans and our day would be consumed with talk about it. Blah. So, I hid it under his pillow...and really forgot about it. All midday we were together and I never thought to tell him it was in. He dropped me back off that afternoon and went back to work. I guess he checked on the tracking and saw where I had signed for it that morning. He called me fuming--not the way most people fume, but for Brent, he was fuming. He walked straight in, threw his pillow on the floor, took his phone and walked out saying, "All day and you never told me???" I already hate this Siri woman.

Last night was chaotic. I co-taught my first fitness class. I've been doing a running class/devotional time with a standard group but this was my first time to come up with the lesson plan myself, keep time to the music, wear the headset mic, maintain good form, and lead a class all on the gym floor. It was slightly terrifying. It wasn't at the beginning; sometimes I overestimate myself but when we were in the middle of the exercises and I starting to think that I'm not even sure I can finish them, that's when I started freaking a little. It's that moment when you realize that you could totally choke and no one can rescue you. Brent said the class was "exactly good. no more, no less." :) I like a man who can shoot it straight with me. I felt like it was awful but the take away was, there's always room for improvement! Anyways, right before all of that, I had a pirate and a cow to ready so (yeah, this is real bright) I gave my keys to a 6-year-old. Of course they were lost after my two classes. The night was full of a lot of splitting up, meeting back up, and exchanging keys. Brent, my hero, went back up to the church after trick-or-treating and found my keys! But, I can honestly say that we did have a great time with friends, even if Halloween was on a Monday night filled with already so many obligations. And once, Birdie figured out how the holiday worked, there was no stopping her. She was always anxious to get out of her stroller and to run with Bailey and Beatle to the next house. She'd say, "Tweett, Tweet." Get the candy and say "Ta-too" and run back to Brent and me.




Could this be one of the best days of my life? Possibly! Our neighbors across the street have been moving!!! We had our friends, Craig and Danielle, over Saturday and they were sitting at the table saying, "There go the box springs. There's the mattress. Look, there are chairs on the trailer." I struggle with this because I know I'm suppose to love my neighbors but I truly feel they are wreckless and dangerous. There was a shooting incident on our street last week that had me really worried. I didn't really tell anyone because I didn't want our parents to worry but I'm SO happy they are leaving! What relief! They have been the hub of all turmoil on this street since we moved in 2 1/2 years ago.

Warning: This particular blog is not about the girls.

I LOVE the women in this town! I have so many that are secretly mentoring me. That's what I prefer to call it rather than...stalking. Haha! It's so true! Sometimes I'll be at a store or garage sale and close my eyes and think, "What would (insert someone's name here) like?" It's not "What would Corrie like?" because I want to have their taste! I just want to be a mash-up of all of them!

Today, it only confirmed how much I love these ladies. After fitness class, I got invited to go for a run with two of them. I know what you are thinking; I was thinking the same thing--"Haven't we had enough already???" Anyways, I went and one of them was fiddling with what looked like those thin, sleek running belts that you can put things in like keys or phones--much cooler than a fanny pack. The other one said, "We need to slow down for a minute, So-and-So's packing heat." Hahaha! What? I don't understand. Well, don't blow it, just play it cool, Corrie. Then the one fiddling said, "My holster keeps flopping around." And she lifted up her shirt and strapped to the back of this PTO-working, coupon-clipping, car rider lane-idler, make-ahead freezer, stain-removing genius of a mom was a small gun in a sassy blue holster!!! I was stunned! Nothing can suprise me now! I love it.

Hatin' and Lickin'

It's happened. Beatle told me "I hate you!" for the first time today (she's home for parent/teacher conferences). Luckily, it didn't sting as bad as I thought it would. You could call it a soft opening really because she was trying to decide if she did hate me or really love me and my crazy ways. We got T.P.ed (or "rolled" as they say in these parts) this past summer. I cleaned it all up, I thought, but as all of the leaves started falling, I saw that there was a full roll stuck up in the top of one of the trees. I got the broom out and dislodged it today. When it fell with a "thud", it occurred to me that it was still sopping wet from a rain we got two nights ago. In an instant, my eyes lit up because I realized that I had an over-sized spit-wad on my hands. Muhahaha! I nailed her a few times in the back before she reached the house. She was squealing and giggling and then she said it, part laughing, part angry.

She was watching a movie this morning about Beatrix Potter and said, "Ewwww!" I asked, "What was it?" from the other room. "She licked a stamp! Why would she do that?" That blew me away! She's of a totally different generation! The self-adhering stamp generation!

We got to have Nadya for a little while this weekend. Oh my goodness, we have missed her! She's walking now and it was so surreal when she'd just stand up and do it. We never knew a walking Nadya. The new foster family have dubbed her Emmy...don't get me started! But she'll always be Nadya to us. She looked at us hard for awhile after we got her but she really started loosening up after we got her in the house. She just cried and cried when she left us yesterday. Oh, it broke my heart! Poor kid; so many people coming and going. She's an insecure little sweetheart. While it reminded me of how stressful it is having two the same age, (it was better now that they can hold hands and walk into church together!) it reminded me of how much we loved her too. She'll always be special to us because she was our first foster baby.

Fading

Oh, by the way, I'm in the club: the stay-at-home, cut-your-husband's-hair club! He found some clippers and scissors at a garage sale and brought them home and dubbed me his new barber. I've cut Beatle's hair (when she lets me!) and I think I've done a good job but to think of cutting boy hair is paralyzing. There are clippers to wield and fading to execute. I was TREMBLING when I cut it the first time. After it was over, I was proud because I gave him a pretty bomb-diggity haircut but then he brought to my attention that I didn't go back and cut around his ears so he had longer hair hanging over his ears until I cut it again last night. After scalping him a little, we went shorter all over and I was able to make my mistake blend and it now looks fine. Whew! I'm improving--slowly but surely. He's a brave man. Beatle's begging me to shave a lightening bolt in the back without telling him.

Also, in last week's school newsletter, I found out that Beatle's school was ranked number one in Arkansas for literacy, based on last spring's testing and number two in the state with literacy and math. I feel like I can now understand the fullness of the situation--why I felt like we were in crisis mode with my "average" child. She's improving, by the way. Today's her first after-school tutoring with her teacher. Her teacher is providing lots of opportunities to make forward strides.

Anyone seen the new Capital One commercial with Jimmy Fallon? That baby is SO Birdie.

Sometimes I Terrify Them, Sometimes They Terrify Me

The other day, we were all walking into Walmart together and it jogged my memory about a story our neighbor, Ms. Mary, shared with me about her aging mother and an embarrassing scuffle they had at Walmart so I shared it with Brent and Beatle. We kind of got a giggle out of it with me concluding that if my parents ever acted like that, I would spank their bottoms. :) On the way home from Walmart, panic washed over me because I started thinking about how Beatle confesses EVERYTHING to our neighbor. Because it wasn't a cherished memory between the neighbor and her mother, I don't know how she would like it if a 6-year-old strolled up and said, "Haha! Remember the time your mom got mad at you and rammed you with her motor scooter. She had you pinned against the bread aisle and bread was falling all around you and you had to shout at her before she put her scooter in reverse and acted like nothing happened while everyone stared at you like you were the bad guy??? Haha! That was so funny!" I got freaked out by that scenario so I took a moment to make everyone in the car solemnly swear that they wouldn't bring this story up around Ms. Mary. But that wasn't good enough, because all the while different scenes were flashing in my head of when Beatle had betrayed me to Ms. Mary so, ever so intensely, I reiterated the seriousness of NOT talking about this with her. Beatle starts breathing like a weirdo in the backseat and I commanded that she stop breathing like that. Brent, my life, my love, had to draw the line at that point. He said something to the effect of, "I was with you until you started telling her how to breathe." It broke the tension in the car and made me laugh a little when I realized that I was careening out of control. I asked Beatle, "Well, why were you breathing like that?" She took a moment and said, "Cause I was scared of you!" Oh my goodness! That's exactly what every mom dreams of hearing their precious child say someday.

I don't call Birdie by that endearment much anymore. Lately, Mighty Mouse has been more fitting. She'll do pull-ups on anything. It's terrifying. And while I was writing the above paragraph, I watched as she struggled to move the step stool from the kitchen to the front door. She stood on top and was working the handle of the front door. Had it not been locked, she could have easily opened the door. I texted a picture of her silhouette, hand on the handle, to Brent and he texted back, "Really?!? Like we don't have enough to worry about with her!!" I get such a kick out of watching him try to keep up with her. He doesn't think about where he sets stuff down so she's constantly grabbing his iPad, glasses, coffee cup, etc. He gets so frazzled.

Birdie has Turret's...but thankfully with only the word, "No!" We'll be having a fine day and then she'll just burst out with "Nnnnnn...O! No! NnnnO!" It was so awkward when she started shouting it at this old couple loading their car in the Walmart parking lot.

Oh! I have found the best thing for Birdie at Walgreens (Target or Cracker Barrell, too)! They're called Skidders.



They are socks/shoes. I can throw them in the washing machine, don't have to keep up with socks and shoes and she can't get them off very fast. Plus, I think because so many people are making a fuss about them, she thinks they're pretty cool.

Camping with Kids

Ahhh...camping with the fam. We love to camp but it's not much fun with babies so this was Birdie's first camping trip. It was only for a day but it was just enough fun for us. It ended bad for Beatle and she was ready to go home. She was walking backwards and tripped, and her pinkie finger got burned kind of badly because it touched the metal barrier of our dying fire. It was sad because it was really painful for her. She took her first pill (acetametophin) for it and she felt so big and keeps asking to take pills...a little freaky for me but maybe I watch too much Intervention after the girls go to sleep.

My favorite part of the weekend was seeing Birdie at bedtime lighted by glow sticks on the other side of the tent in her pack-and-play saying, "Whas sat?" Then she'd pant heavily as she'd bury herself further into the blankets.

We have some quasi-friends that have the weirdest kids in the world! Super weird! It blows my mind. The other day, Beatle was meticulously eating her toast and then she said, "Look, mom. A donkey!" And by gum, she had eaten her toast to look like a donkey. I thought it was so funny and clever until I started wondering if those weird kids had ever eaten their toast into a donkey. Yikes! There's a fine line that I really don't want her to cross!

I love that Beatle's teacher switches the kids' seats around a lot; it keeps them moving and not just stuck by someone that they may have personality conflicts with. There was this one boy that all of a sudden he started punching Beatle in the gut and kidneys every time he could because she outed him that he was hoarding glue sticks. Well, she got moved with only one person in between her and her bestie, Bailey. She whole-heartedly said it was worth the kidney shots to be that close to Bailey! That is love!

Pulling Ponytails and Paying the Piper

Birdie told me her first story the other day. Yes, if you can play charades, you could have understood it too. Her friend, Beau, had been gone for a few weeks to see his Navy dad in San Diego but he was back on Sunday. Before he left, the childcare worker for the fitness ministry who has kept both of them since they were just weeks old, told me that Beau was getting rougher but Birdie was holding her own with him. On the car ride home from church, I said, "Oh! Beau was back today. Did you see Beau?" She nodded and said, "Beau." I asked, "Did you have fun playing with Beau?" She got a horrible little thinking look on her face and then dramatically reached up and pulled her own tussled ponytail and said, "Oww!" I asked, "Oh, did Beau pull your hair?" She nodded yes. It's not coming through as convincing as it was in the car but I feel quite confident I know what happened in Sunday School. :)

Let me throw down my usual disclaimer: Some of you work in schools, some of you have school-agers, I, however, am going through all of this for the first time in a loooong time with Beatle. So far this year, I have packed a lunch for her every day. It's not anything I'm doing for any particular reason besides I just haven't paid the lunch lady yet. Plus, I just find it a little expensive. Beatle's told me she can just go get milk so I don't always pack a drink. (Silly me, I just thought that it was part of some Obama-initiative for all children to have access to a serving of milk a day. We do lots of other weird things for people so I didn't know!) She hopped in the car on Monday and said, "I got stopped by the lunch lady today. She said I couldn't have any more milk until you send some milk money. But, (in her most honest voice!) I told her that my mom doesn't have money for milk and she let me take one anyway." Sometimes, I get so convicted about being such a cheapskate and talking openly about how "Dad doesn't get paid until the end of the week so we don't have a lot of extra money" or other similar conversations! Shame on me! And, the funny thing is, just earlier that day, I had a conversation with the counselor about doing our part to help some families through hard times; if the lunch lady went to the counselor to talk about Beatle's situation, they must have been really confused!

Hot, hot, hot...96.2much2soon

Beatle's grounded. On this quest of trying to raise our girls to have a close relationship with the Lord but to not be total dorks, we still have to draw the line somewhere. If you recollect, this time last year we had a 60th birthday bash for my dad complete with a karaoke machine that the kids totally hijacked and no one really got to experience the full glory of a night serenaded by me. Anywhoo, there were some questionable songs sang by young cousins and thankfully Beatle knew none of them. But my, how a year has changed things. A recent uncomfortable moment for me was when Beatle busted out in the lyrics, "skinny-dipping in the dark" sitting between a set of grandparents. I'm putting it all out there when I say that KLOVE is very repetitive and kind of lame. It has it's place--it's positive, encouraging, easy listening. :) Beatle and I like to get funky. She's a dancer; she's gotta move. Somehow Top 40 has infiltrated our lives slowly but surely--through the car, gymnastics, stores, etc. And while the beats are great and the hooks are catchy, it's not the stuff that should be filling my mind and definitely not my 6-year-old. Beatle acts like our local station, Hot 96.7, pays her to promote it. I hear her talk about it, ask me to change the station to it, and wonder aloud if we will listen to it in the car about 10 times a day. It's gotten to be overkill so in a lesson of discipline she's not allowed to listen to it for 2 days. Meanwhile, Brent and I are on a quest to introduce her to the great CDs we loved and new ones that send the positive messages we want her to be singing.

Gender Bender

There are three moments in my life where my gender has come in to question--once when I was about 4 and my cousin with flowing locks and ornate bows made me doubt my new 'do because apparently I was a boy since my hair was cut short. The second time, I was 11 and on vacation with my family, wearing red shorts with a nautical striped red and white shirt and chin-length hair that was still wet from the pool. I was crushed when the waitress asked, "And what would you like to drink, sir?" Seriously, that was one of the most deflating moments of my life, to which, my dad still laughs his big laugh about. And the third one happened yesterday. Yes, even after puberty, marriage and two children, I still felt the sting when a 9-year-old boy (who, mind you, still screams better than most girls) called me "dude" and when I answered his questions and then added before turning on my heels, "And, by the way, I'm not a dude." He yelled out, I'm guessing to get the approval of the other boys he was with, "Well, you look like a dude with your haircut." I'm not a very mature person but I did exercise restraint because all I wanted to do was turn around, charge him and bend him into a pretzel when I got my hands on him. I did come back after I cooled down and made him apologize for his comment--that's the great part about being an adult. Beatle's been dying to grow her hair out like "all" the other girls but neither of us are very consistent about fixing it so it looks wild a lot. I think she looks darling with short hair but I guess yesterday was a reminder to be understanding with gender identity. If she feels like she looks more like a girl with longer hair, then so be it. We just need to be more disciplined with grooming it!

Pretty much everyone knows the rule: If your whole name is used, then you are in serious trouble. We go around saying, "Charlotte Odessa!" multiple times a day. The other day, Beatle and I were bantering and, exasperated, she exclaimed,"Momma Odessa!" That was a first! I must have been in REAL SERIOUS trouble when someone else's middle name was used!

Brent and I had somehow switched sides of the bed sometime back and I've been sleeping closest to the door; I think it had to do with me getting up with Birdie to feed her in the middle of the night. Anyways, I watch a lot of crime shows and, being the man, I think he should sleep closest to the door! (I'm twisted and think WAY too much about exit strategies, reactions during crisis situations, etc!) The other night, I petitioned the change and the new policy went into affect until he got up to use the restroom and came back to bed and flopped down right down on top of me!! The sad part is, I was so tired that I just barely remembered it when he brought it up the next morning at breakfast. We had a good laugh about the whole thing. I kind of have a feeling that if there is an intruder no matter what side of the bed I'm on, as heavy as I sleep, I'll be toast!

Reading, Wrecks and Really, Probably Too Much Info

The division between the "haves" and the "have nots" is growing wider at the Roberts' house. I thought it was just coincidence until she started pointing and saying it EVERY time. Now, when I change shirts and it's just me in all my glory, Birdie points at me and says, "Boobers!" I was telling BR and Beatle this at dinner tonight on the back porch and they wanted to do an experiment, so I stepped inside, where no one could see me but Birdie and flashed her (Really...it's best not to just pop by on us. I'd always call first!) :) Of course, she did it again. We laughed and laughed. Then, when Beatle asked, "Lottie, do I have boobers?" and lifted her shirt, Birdie crinkled her nose and shook a disgusted "no". TMI, no?

The monkey has assumed the position on my back again and the thing has returned to my chest. We got a letter yesterday that, based on some testing, Beatle is reading at a Kindergarten level. Oh, but if that's not enough of an insult, they chart it by months too. She's reading like a Kindergartener would in their third month of school. Awesome. And a handy little note at the bottom stating, "It's very important to read to Brendle every night." Brent and I both reached our new height of desperation after that letter. I wanted to cram every book we've ever read to her up someone's po-po. My first instinct was to quit--pull her out of school, hide, homeschool, whatever! Then I realized that wasn't a logical idea because I'm SOO not qualified/gifted/patient in that area. Brent's contribution was to throw her in a private, unaccredited Christian school in town and we would hope she blended in on the Island of Misfit Toys. Honestly, at this point, we've resolved to try to blitz it this year. We have an AMAZING first grade teacher, get her some tutoring and we're going to ride Beatle like a Grand Canyon donkey in one of those scenic tours. If she hates school by the end of first grade, she hates it but Brent and I don't feel like we're afforded the luxury of any other way. This may pass and in a few years, I hope I don't remember what a struggle this was for her or the stress Brent and I feel as parents. Or, it may be her life-long reality and I don't know anyone better than Brent who can model that for her--she can have what she wants but she's got to be willing to work 5 times as hard as everyone else in her class. Flat out, I don't get it...we have video of me coming home from the 1st grade doing homework and that consisted of me writing my name 10 times and I swear to you, Beatle has kids in her class reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid chapter books. Like other jealous parents, I was joking with Beatle when she told me what her classmates were reading and we had each other cracking up. "Whoa, Zach...slow down. What's the rush? You have your whole life to read. Pace yourself, my friend." We have to find humor in this situation or I think we'd all cry.

BR got into a wreck last week. He is fine--thank the Lord! He was in his jeep and an old lady ran a stop sign and hit him. When I pulled up to the scene, I didn't know whose fault it was but assumed it was Brent's because of the way everyone was acting. But no, it turns out you can drive like a bat outta hell but if you have a disabled tag and Jesus stickers all over your car people will be taking pity on you and fetching you glasses of water while you sit in your car like YOU'VE been offended. It was quite hilarious since everyone was ok. Brent wanted to just yell, "Wait a minute...She hit ME!" We got the report today and she was born during WWI. Yes, she is 95 years old and will go to the grave denying that she ran that stop sign.

On the heels of the story above, I'm willing to admit we've been pretty stressed in the last week about the whole situation--the money to fix the jeep, having only one vehicle for now, etc. Like I told my mom today, as Christians we talk about being dependent on Christ, but let's face it--who wants to have their backs to the wall so much that we HAVE to depend on Christ? I like to feel a little more self-sufficient than that. We had some real tight-squeezes in Seminary and when we moved to HS but I resolved to never (if it all possible!) let us get that vulnerable financially. When the accident happened, I remained steadily calm and relatively positive about the whole thing; I just felt that we were being attacked or tested (I still haven't figured out how all that works) this past month and, either way, something spiritual was going on and parlaying its way into the physical. That being said, I let doubt creep in today and started really getting worked up about some of our struggles. But tonight, when Brent was doing budget, we found a check from our mortgage company and that our mortgage was also being dropped $30 a month because we no longer needed to pay our mortgage insurance. I'm so humbled right now; that was enough to know He's in control. I don't know why I don't think He can do things like that or why I don't feel like He's in control! He is! He cares! I serve a God that stopped the sun in the sky so Israel could win a battle and He could have the victory. I only hope I give him the victory and add this to my arsenal when future doubt starts in.

That's it! I quit!

I put in my two weeks notice to Brent. He said it would take a little longer to find another wife and mother. Although it means nothing, it was sure nice to feel like I held some cards for those few seconds after I announced that I quit. Birdie is at the age where I'd like to drop her off somewhere for several hours and laugh a little laugh as I left with the words, "good luck!" hanging in the room behind me. This age is the reason MOPS groups and mother's day outs were created! She's a busy little birdie. And while I drop her off at nursery, I'm off to teach a class of 3-year-olds or go workout...not exactly a cake walk. Last Thursday, I went to the church office to fax some stuff and found out I was there just in time for FBC Preschool's chapel service so Birdie and I went down to support Brent. It was wild watching them file in, knowing that as early as next year, after I send Birdie to school, I can FINALLY lay around smoking cigarettes and watching soaps all day! Haha! Brent seemed to have some other ideas of what I'll be doing...silly boy.

Friday night we had all my old co-workers and their families over. I miss them! It's crazy to think that you spend so much time with these people and then, nothing. We had a great time catching up!

Beatle started playing the violin. Our church is offering free lessons and a free violin to use for a semester as she practices. Her best friend's dad says that they could get a better sound from twisting a cat. Haha! But, she sure is excited. When I see her walking around, carrying that violin case, her purple glasses on, shoes on the wrong feet, wild clothes on that she picked out herself, and a big toothless smile, I can't help but think that if I were 6-years-old too, Bailey would have some serious competition for a best friend. :)

Labor Day: It's the Stuff Dreams are Made Of

My new favorite holiday is....drumroll....wait for it, people....LABOR DAY! Ok, it really can't compete with the other big ones but we have had the most amazing Labor Days for the last few years. They are chalked to the brim with memories and family time. Two years ago, we went to see friends in Florida and were at Disney on Labor Day, coincidentally, with my parents--total God thing! And a day in history that will go down as perfect. Last year, we had our yard sale and I remember looking through our front door to the yard and seeing Birdie on Brent's back in a backpack and Beatle playing in the front yard, thinking, "Man, we're a cool family. I'd like to be our friends." :) And then this year, we had Brent's family in town for another great weekend--lots of fun there. We practically begged them not to leave a day early but they wanted some time before they jumped back in to their respective jobs and I get that. But oh, the magic Monday held. We loaded up the jeep in the newly crisp air and took some untraveled backroads, complete with clothes on the line, and BR took us fishing to an overstocked pond and we were pulling in catfish left and right. It was crazy! In about the last 20 years, I've never had fun fishing until yesterday broke that dry spell. Beatle caught, arguably, the two biggest of the day. She had so much fun doing that! Her first fish! Birdie had a good time tottering around and pooping in the wild outdoors. Why nature calls for both girls when we're in the middle of no where, I'll never know! But I came prepared with wet wipes and sanitizer. It was cute seeing Birdie make her fish imitation and ask BR for "More, peeeaaas!" She wanted her daddy to catch one more fish and lo and behold, Beatle caught another one. Beatle loved reeling them in but didn't want to have anything to do with them once they were on shore. I've got a picture of her making a "TaDa" geasture to a fish lying in the grass about 4 feet away. Haha! I decided I wanted to try my hand while BR and Beatle were going to try to start cleaning the fish. I caught a small catfish and was trying to get their attention across the way and was whoopin and hollerin, waving my fish around and accidentally slapped Birdie right in the face with it. Haha! Poor thing. We ran to take the new fish over to them and then, three sets of wide eyes watched in horror as the gentlest man we've ever known mutilated a live fish. He was trying to clean it but it had been awhile and I'm sure an audience didn't make it any easier on him. We came home and the girls napped while BR finished cleaning the fish and then we went to Magic Springs for the last day the water park was open. No one was there because of the weather change and Beatle got to run up and ride everything she wanted to, thanks to short lines and a recent growth spurt. The day ended with fireworks and a contented family, knowing they could hang their hat on another perfect Labor Day.

Living the Dream

To my adoring public,

I apologize for my blogging absence! We have had some technical difficulties around the Roberts' house. But, on the flip-side, I have many wonderful things to blog about.

I did it! About a week ago, Brent and I went to Dallas for me to attend a conference so I could get my group fitness certification! I passed my test and am now teaching a running class with a kickboxing class on the horizon. The morning of us leaving, I was waking the girls up and before Beatle's eyes were even open, she sleepily mumbled, "Mom, i'm glad you're doing your dream." her thoughtfulness is so touching. Honestly, I'm doing a lot of this for her. It's not fair for me to not set a good example and then expect her to break the cycle of being overweight.

The other night, we were reading Bibles in bed and Beatle saw a picture of Biblical patriarch holding tablets in hers and said, "who's this?" and I said, "you know!" and she said, "oh, Noah." and I said, "noooo...he was the prince of Egypt, parted the Red Sea (could tell it was still not ringing a bell)...rhymes with roses." "oh! Noses!" at that moment, I realized we still have some more ground to cover. Haha!

Birdie and I started going to Toddler Time at the library and there's already a Charlotte there so we're going by Lottie. We can't catch a break in this town with these names!

It's getting kind of late but, I promise I will blog again soon. Don't give up on me! :)

Name Stealing and Accidental Face Kicking

What a ripper! I help teach the 3-year-old Sunday School class and I love those crazy kids but last week we had a visitor come in for "extended session" as I was leaving. The girl was on the arm of an old friend of ours; you see, when we moved to Hot Springs, we had two couples our age that became fast friends. One couple moved back to OK after a few months and the other couple (who had a daughter close to Beatle's age) got a divorce, sadly. As we found out, it's hard having friends that divorce and sometimes, even though we were relatively new friends, I still miss "them". I don't talk much to the wife anymore but we still bump into her every once in awhile but, without sounding like a weirdo, I really miss the husband. I didn't feel like it was ever appropriate though to send him cards, give him a call or email him as such. Brent tried to keep him hooked up with church but I think he just needed a fresh start at a new church. Anyways, I was SO excited to see him Sunday with his new fiancé and her daughter. He was holding her daughter who was obviously distressed about the new environment and was trying to soothe her by saying calming things like, "it's ok. Brendle, it's going to be alright." wait, wait, wait! I asked him, "wait. Like my Brendle??" he gave me a nonchalant "yeah" and went back to soothing her. I felt so ripped off!! I know we haven't trademarked her name yet but I've never heard of a little girl with that name, let alone, at our very church. How weird! And then, my paranoid wheels start turning because the little girl was MAYBE three (she came with a diaper bag and was acting so much younger than everyone else, the extended session teachers agreed she was probably in the wrong class). It made me wonder if this Hot Springs mom had heard Brendle's name within the first year of us being here and dubbed hers as such. I know, it's a stretch but it IS a small town. I think what hurt the worst was the fact that the daddy didn't even act like it was a big deal that we share that common bond, that he didn't even act like our families used to be close. He very well could have been preoccupied or maybe we just bring back bad memories, I'm not sure but it stung.

Moving right along, Beatle told us she's going to be famous for break dancing! We got a good laugh at that and, you know what, maybe she will and then who will be laughing??? :)

Her frienemy, M, "accidentally" kicked her in the face at their table and "accidentally" hit her that day too. Beatle says she made a big production about how it was an accident but Beatle felt quite sure it wasn't. I got upset about that and said, "yes, if it's just words, you need to ignore what she says and keep trying to show God's love but if it continues to be physical, you really need to talk to Mrs. S about it." Beatle said desperately, "she'll just say it was an accident." and to that, I retorted, "well, you need to just tell Mrs. S that Meyah needs help learning to control her body then because that's unacceptable." Beatle laughed a funny little laugh and I asked, "What?" She said, "well, you're usually such a Godly woman! I can't believe you're telling me to say this."

I'm going to leave it at that tonight. Night!

We're back, Baby!!

We had a great first day of first grade! It was so different than Kindergarten: we allowed more time in the morning for pictures, she wasn't nervous and I didn't cry! :) It's really hard to believe she's a first grader though! There was one girl that really got in her head last year. She's a major tattle-tell and she draws things out of Beatle and then Whamo! raises her hand to tell the teacher. Honestly, there are several other things that point to her not being a Christian and not having a very good home life; all things that Beatle's sensitivity led her to see too even though Meyah wears her smooth out. Last year, Beatle had to sit by her most of the second semester so Beatle was longing for a break from her this year. We get to class and whose name is taped down right beside Beatle's?? When Beatle read it, she just melted with helpless laughter. I felt very strongly that this was not a coincidence; God placed Meyah in her class and right beside her again to rub off God's love and truth on her some more. Beatle accepted the challenge but even yesterday when she got home there was some Meyah drama. Meyah told Beatle that she didn't have any friends besides her "precious Bailey" and that hurt her feelings and she started naming off friends she did have and threw a "boyfriend" in there too. Meyah's hand shot up and B got reminded that there are to be no talks of boyfriends. Beatle was feeling discouraged. Later, M said she wasn't going to be Beatle's friend, "....unless you give me one of those sequins (off of her new shirt)." So, Beatle tore one off to give to M and it started unraveling and she lost several more during the day. She came home feeling a used and manipulated; I really think a life lesson was learned yesterday that will hopefully help her in dealing with her classmate. Together, we examined the choices she made when she chased after Meyah's approval. I'm sure there will be plenty more M drama to come but there are Meyah's everywhere and I want her to figure this stuff out while she's just 6. On the upside, Beatle really loves her new teacher!

She lost a tooth on Sunday night, literally. She pulled it herself and she put it in the pillow we have for it and there was major tooth fairy confusion! I guess there was a coin from last time already in there and while she was messing with it her tooth fell out and she didn't know it. So, she thought the tooth fairy came and took the tooth but didn't leave her any money for this time...it was crazy! But she put the empty tooth pillow under hers and in the morning there was a written explaination for the confusion, along with a gold coin. Whew! Now, mom and dad have to find that baby tooth in the living room before she does!

Beatle was a dancing ma-chine at Aunt Suzy's wedding!!! It was SO funny! Her intense expressions and endless moves crack me up. Her flower girl dress was a wreck--stained and ripped. She passed out in the backseat on the way home. It was like she was a party girl on her 21st birthday. Like my friend Amanda said, "She'll remember this as being the best night ever." Birdie came through as a flower girl right at the last moment. She was ready to go about a minute and a half before it was her turn and when we stopped her, she crumpled. I had to go, Beatle had to go, leaving my dad, sis and the wedding planner to work their magic. It was like she came to her senses and relized she almost missed her chance so she started running down the aisle and then she'd stop and start running again. I was so glad for Brent's parents that night; I didn't fully realize how busy all of us would be and they helped so much with Birdie, making the wedding more pleasant for us all. Suzy looked beautiful! They both looked so happy and I'm so happy for them!

Being in so many beautiful homes while in OK, I've been inspired to up my game a little. I realized that with all the busyness of fostering and life, I've just been maintaining my house, maintaining my clutter and maintaining my schedule. Well, it's time to overhaul some things and I've been taking some hard looks at all of those and my school year resolution is PEACE. I want a manageable schedule, minimal clutter and lots of family time. I'm committed to giving it my best shot.

Gun-shy: Flippy Rides and Flaming Hands

A whole new world has been opened up to Beatle. She is now 48” tall and can ride almost everything at Magic Springs, the amusement park here in town. In our spare time in the summers (ha!) we like to venture over there. We bond as a family in between bouts of motion sickness and being slammed around by unruly tubes in the wave pool. We didn’t get passes last year and weren’t going to this year but they were given to us so how could we refuse?

Beatle was relishing in her newfound opportunities and was being quite bold but dug in her heels as we were finding seats on the pirate ship-type ride that flips all the way around. We had to take the “chicken exit”. I told the kid working it, “Maybe next time…” and he quipped, “Yeah, right.”

She was drunk on adrenaline though when she jumped off one small roller coaster onto Wild Thang—too bold to notice it was exponentially worse than the ride she passed on. “Hurry, hurry! Let’s try to get on this time,” she said exasperated as the rest of us were trying to keep up. Wild Thang turned in three different direction so I pleaded to Brent’s good nature on the way there to please let me sit this one out. So, he manned up and jumped on with her. It wasn’t till it started turning that I could see where she should be sitting, only I just saw legs dangling next to Brent. She was so small she couldn’t even see over the harness. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so out of control as a mother in my life. I know that she’s just on loan to me and God has her in His hands but I couldn’t help but freak out as the ride whirled her every which way and flipped her around over and over. I just sat there stupidly; dividing my time between praying and laughing hysterically while Birdie ate dirt. Thank God she exited safe and sound declaring, with every bit of sincerity she could muster, that she really thought she was going to die up there. She even had the presence of mind to ask Brent, while being flung around, how far away the closest emergency room was. Haha! She’s becoming so cerebral.

We return to Oklahoma this Friday and stay until my sister’s wedding. I truly enjoy not having to work but especially during the summer because it affords us opportunities like going to Oklahoma for weeks at a time. It’s such a special time to be able to take our time with family and friends.

I love Brent’s job. I love that he loves his job and that our kids love his job. Mind you, when they are 17, they may not think what he does is that cool but right now, he’s their hero. Last night, he was getting ready for camp and since he’s responsible for an illusion segment, he wanted an audience to perform for. He was doing good—wearing a wig and a lab coat we purposefully singed in areas to make kids doubt his abilities and add to his character—when he got to his second fire trick and something went awry and it there was a mini-explosion in his hands and his reaction was priceless. Beatle and I busted a gut!!! We doctored him and he’s all better but he’s scratched the fire tricks this week because now he’s all kinds of gun-shy.

Backyard Spectacular

I love the 4th of July because of family and friends! (is it wrong that they came to my mind way before my country?? Disclaimer: I AM patriotic!) But when I realized for the second year in a row we couldn't go to OK for the long weekend, I knew I must devise a plan to keep me preoccupied here in hot springs. I didn't really feel we could do much outside because of little JJ but inside things, like movies and bowling, were ruled out because of our live wire, Birdie. So, the backyard spectacular was born! Thank God for Family Fun magazine. Anything cute or creative I do, I've found or modified from that publication. We waited until Monday and worked outside after the girls went to bed on Sunday night so there were little surprises in the morning. It felt like Christmas! We bought a little pool and Brent crafted a sprinkler area out of PVC pipe. (like Christmas, he lost his cool a little the night before when he realized he glued it together wrong and I poorly supressed nervous giggles when he fired it up the next day and it trickled out of half the holes rather than sprayed out of all.) but, honestly, it was perfect for Birdie. Just her speed. I sprayed painted Twister circles on the grass.

Early Monday morning, Beatle climbed into bed and said, "mom, I can't believe it's red, white and blue day!" I made blue biscuits and we revealed everything. It was an amazing day, ending with the girls (and JJ) wearing homemade t-shirts, eating festive ice cream sandwiches Beatle and I made, and watching the tiny fireworks show BR put on. Even though we weren't where I traditionally think I should be on the 4th, we were able to manufacture the same feelings I've had on the 4th for the last 15 years.

Tonight, we were going to Bedtime Stories at the library for the first time and Beatle kept telling me that one of her friends told her that they have cookies and milk afterward. I told her that I wasn't sure and she kept insisting. Finally she said, "seriously mom, how would they keep all of those kids entertained--by just sitting around and reading a BOOK?" haha! She really does like books; she just likes cookies exponentially more! I couldn't help but share that with the children's librarian, who is a close friend of ours. Luckily, she thought it was funny too. :)

It's a boy!

To catch up, "baby" moved to the other foster home when they said she would and Brent borrowed the church preschool's giant waterslide and set it up in the backyard to cheer us all up. It was really hard to let her go; we enjoyed a weekend just the 4 of us in spite of it, though we felt a little lost. I was certain that we weren't going to take any permanent placements for the rest of the summer since we'll be traveling so much. And, I was feeling even more confident that we wouldn't take another baby for awhile since I don't consider myself a baby person. I was telling my workout buddies all of this that following Monday morning and by lunchtime I had gotten a call about a placement for a little boy just coming home from the hospital within the next few hours. They said they were desperate. I talked to Brent about it at lunch and he politely told me that I was on my own with that one since he was ramping up for VBS the following week. I nervously accepted. I didn't know what to expect from a tiny drug baby so I told DHS that I would take him but only until the end of the week--to give them more time to find permanent placement for him. So, an old lady in a sports car with an ashtray full of cigarette butts wheeled up to the church and gave me a two minute debriefing, a pack of diapers, some formula and a 4 pound, 9 ounce baby boy. Brent walked into the church, hot and sweaty, his assistant just came to his aid because his jeep stranded him across town. He walked through the gaggle of women admiring our new addition and someone asked him, "Brent, is this your new foster son?" To which, he responded, "I don't know. I just met it." Classy! I died laughing; the humor of how crazy the situation was wasn't lost on me.

We've just taken it week by week and we're finishing our third week with Mr. JJ. He's not scary...We really love the little guy. He's been so sweet and cute--both the girls are smitten. I didn't know what it would be like to have a little boy around but, it turns out, they're just as sweet and cuddly as little girls! I've really enjoyed it! It's been a nice rebound from Nadya and a good experience for us all.

Birdie's been potty training herself. It's the craziest thing. She looks so little using the "po po". She still has accidents now and then but she's doing tremendous!

We are loving summer! I had a great birthday. It was really low key, just the way I wanted it this year. However, I did request a cookie cake from either sam's or great American cookie company and poor Brent tried a few times but couldn't make it happen. Last night, he went to sam's a few minutes after it closed so today, he was determined. (I was kind of over it by now but he couldn't let it go.) brent was unloading the other things I'd asked him to pick up from sam's. I went to go meet Beatle halfway when I heard a crash. She had dropped my cookie cake into a heap on the sidewalk and on her new sneakers. She instantly burst into tears. It was so heartbreaking how sad she was that she dropped my cake. I was unusually sweet and encouraging, everyone should be so proud. :) I reassured her over and over that it was ok. We scooped it up and I have a half eaten bowl of cookie volcano cake beside me right now and it is DELICIOUS! (I hit grit only once.)

We're flip-flopping the girls' rooms around this weekend. That's been a chore but I think we're going to love it. One playroom and one sleep room. It's given us a chance to purge things as well. Plus, it already seems this transition is fostering a closer relationship between the two of them. Just this evening, they were playing tag/hide and seek. There was lots of laughing and Beatle kept proclaiming with surprise, "it's really fun to play with a baby!" I hope they are close.

My brother got married last weekend. It was fun and he looked handsome. I am very happy for the two of them and am happy to have a new sister in the family!

Crying on a Cruise Ship: Is that salt-water on my lips from the ocean or my tear ducts? :)

It's been a year since I've been at home! Wow! I was sitting on the floor this morning watching some Seasame Street with Birdie sharing some popcorn from a get together last night and thought, "ahhh, this is the life". While it's not always like a Norman Rockwell painting, I am so glad we had the courage a year ago to take a leap of faith and make that move for our family. I'm also really thankful that God has sustained it for a year.

Our cruise was great! I texted a friend that the first day was hell but it did nothing but get better and better after that. And then, it was over and we didn't want to come home. To briefly recap, Carnival was having computer problems when we were going to board so it took longer, coupled with the fact that my uncle wanted to get there super early, did not play to Birdie's strengths. We were "that" family with "that" wild, screaming child in the stroller. I wanted to find a hole to hide in. Beatle started getting sick and was feeling queasy in line. Poor Beatle was so sick by the time we were learning about the lifejackets. I almost went Momma Grizzly standing, packed in there with a wild child and another one crying with sick, pleading eyes. I took her to the ship's dr before we even left Galveston and she had strep and got meds. In our room, Beatle threw up in and on our bed. Once she started holding down her meds, that situation improved greatly. But trying to get situated in those tiny rooms proved to be tricky. Birdie kept trying to walk around but she hadn't got her sea-legs yet and she was getting frustrated and bumps on the head. BR took her to the pool in an effort to give me and B some time in the room and they were outed by a loud, obnoxious dad that she wasn't potty-trained and shouldn't be in that pool (like his 3 year old ever got out to pee! please!) I stripped Birdie down to hand her to Brent in the shower to rinse the salt-water off. I tended to something else and turned around and she had pooped on the floor. I think that's when I about cried when Brent reminded me we had 7 more days. That day, it felt like we had bit off WAY more than we could chew by bringing both the girls. (The whole week, it still felt like it might have been too much to bring Birdie but it worked out and we do have some great memories with her but I would HIGHLY recommend waiting until your child is 2 before going that way you can use the pools and the free childcare when you need it.) Needless to say, things could go nowhere but up after that first day. Learning your way around the ship is huge! Once we started getting the hang of that, our days at sea were great. Every excursion we did was awesome! Some adults zip-lined in Jamaica, our family swam with dolphins, held sea turtles and went to the 7-mile beach (A-MAZING!) in Grand Cayman, and snorkeled at Chankunaab in Cozumel. Great time! Great memories! Great pictures!

Ok, to update about Baby...we didn't feel like we could take baby brother (that the new foster family has dubbed "Timmy". Really??? Not even close to his real name.) Honestly, I didn't really even see it coming when the case worker called and just stated matter-of-factly (liked we had talked about it before) that Baby was moving to the other foster home to be with brother. That caught us off-gaurd and kind of hurt my feelings. That family watched her while we were on the cruise and it went well. We got a call yesterday that the move could happen as soon as tomorrow! The timeline we thought we were working with was at the end of summer. When things like this happen, we know that God has all of this in the palm of His hand and we have been giving it to Him in prayer constantly. Our fleshly side gets stirred up, however, because in classes they speak like we are all a team but it really just feels like we get our marching orders and are allowed no opinion for a child that's been a part of our family for 5 months. We are trying to be positive and supress these feeling, knowing that God knows all--her future, our future, our hearts, our anxieties and demands of summer, and the needs our own children have right now. It will be really sad to see her go; like when you finish a gripping novel--you feel lost for a day or so, reliving all that you just read but then you realize you have lots more free time and throw your efforts into something else. :) We love her and will still get to see her occasionally. We're not done fostering but we are going to take this summer to be the 4 of us again. I say all of this with the prediction that she will be moving tomorrow but nothing with DHS is ever 100% so we shall see.

Fumble

I have dropped the ball with blogging this month! Don't give up on me you silent but faithful blog-followers! What a month it has been, as I'm sure it has been for you too!

Two weeks ago, we had a breach in security early in the morning...that's what we call it around here when bathroom or bedroom doors are left open, a perfect opportunity for Birdie to rifle around and find a shoe to go throw in the toilet or trashcan--her favorite pastime of late. Birdie kicked the door in on Brent in our bedroom, I was a few steps behind her but we found Brent on the phone on his knees praying instead of getting ready. It was hard news that ears were about to hear; a beloved uncle had died. It's hard to know how to react when you feel sure that their suffering is over, they've found peace in heaven, but life for us won't be the same anymore. Beatle was particularly close to her great-uncle and we figured she'd take it hard. Later that day, we pulled the old, check-her-out-of-school-and-get-some-ice-cream trick but she's a smart cookie and she knew something was up. I thought I'd leave it to the professional to deliver the news and it was Brent's uncle. He just said it. No real build-up or gentle let-down. Not even a hug when she was crying! I had to swoop in try to save this situation and later I asked to see his qualifying creditials again. Ji-mi-ny! We will miss Uncle Jim.

Have you ever been in so much suspense you can hardly handle it??? In the last month, we've been reading "The Hiding Place" aloud for about an hour each night. It's been super fun and we just finished tonight. But, a few nights ago, when the story was reaching it's climax, Beatle could hardly take it; she flopped on the ground and said, "I'm so nervous. I've got to cover my eyes!" We just died laughing. With an oral story, you're eyes won't spare you, my child! Then, the next night, we were playing Sorry on the floor and it was anyone's game--just a card could be a game-changer. She starts writhing next to us with that nervous giggle/shriek as Brent draws his card and she says, "I can't take this! I'm giving myself a wedgie!" Seriously, so intense that you resort to a self-inflicted wedgie??? Bahaha! I lost it when she pointed that out.

I've had this artsy-crafty idea for a mobile for Birdie since she's never had a proper one before. I gathered sticks, spray-painted them white, used jute rope to hold it together and glued on these Parisian-inspired, pink birds. It was really pretty (although, I can admit now that the scale was a little larger than desired once we got it in place last weekend). I was putting the girls to bed when I thought I heard something crunching. Beatle was chatting it up with Baby across the room so I asked her to be quiet and we strained our ears. Now that I'm retelling this, I feel like I'm building up to a National Lampoon Christmas Vacation story. Anyways, whatever it was didn't do it while we were quiet so I was about to give up when I looked into Birdie's bed more closely when I saw there was a pile of sawdust in there! Judging by the way it fell, I found a hole. Finally, we heard it crunching again. Typical me, I just put Birdie to bed anyways and resolved to talk to Brent about it in the morning. As soon as I did this morning, Brent was like, "Termites!!!" His mind was going a million miles an hour and he was telling me horror stories. Not worth it. The mobile is in the trash, my little birdies are back on my craft table and my Birdie woke up with sawdust in her eye boogers for the last time.

Tomorrow, we set out on an adventure of a lifetime. We're going cruising, baby! It's one thing to go on an awesome vacation but it's another thing to have someone else foot the bill--talk about relaxing!!! Thank you Big Poppa! I've turned into such a cheap-o thanks to Dave Ramsey that it's even hard for me to enjoy vacations as much as I used to because I'm constantly thinking about the dollah billz flying out the window. I got an email the summer of 2007 from my dad wanting to do this and I think we're all so giddy that it's FINALLY here! Family, fun, and the beach. Seriously, heaven on earth. Can't wait!

And, great news! Beatle is going to first grade!!! I'm SO relieved! We plan to get her some tutoring this summer so she can stay with it and maybe next school year, it can come a little more naturally for her.

Oh, and I never did model. I chickened out. (And, of course, I dropped the weight once the deadline was off my back...I have NEVER succeeded when I "need" to lose weight for something. It just makes me stress eat.) But, it all worked out for the best because I can't imagine me even competing with the lady who wound up doing it. She did so good and was having so much fun!

"Hey, Meth Teeth! Are you guys going to bring the cupcakes to May's birthday party?" I was groping for a parent's name as he walked by while I idled in the car rider lane with my windows down. Really? Meth Teeth? Well, I didn't bellow it out my window. In fact, I didn't say it at all but, to me, he will henceforth always be referred to in my mind as Meth Teeth and I really needed to know if they arebringing the cupcakes.

Beatle had a school musical tonight. They sat out about 150 less chairs than they needed, no lie. I have yet to be in that gym when it didn't rank in the Top Ten Worst Experiences of the Year. We took the babies. I had Dum-Dums ready in the diaper bag should they start losing their cool...I should have broke them out for me as soon as I saw the chair situation! We were still 10 min out from the program starting when the two of them start going hog wild. At that moment, Brent and I realized that the best bet for our family now is to split up and just send a representative to video so he took the girls home and I clawed my way to the front for a good video footage like the other good Kindergarten parents. They let out some bleachers and I was in pretty good position but right before the younger ones started their program, a mom moved in beside me while the Mimi, Honey, or whatever hip name she dubbed herself with and the 3-year-old granddaughter flanked me. All the audio I kept getting was this mom, breathing down my neck, whining to her mom about how she couldn't see anything. The Sweetie kept commenting about how she loved the music teacher and how she was "da bomb" because she was getting into it and the girl kept kicking my back. Finally, I realized that the audio was my only shot at EVER knowing what this musical was about because while Beatle had started off strong, my video was now just of her standing there and occasionally yawning. So, I jumped ship and moved down the bleachers and the other mom slid the three inches over to take my still-warm seat. Then, I found myself in another predicament when the song ended and a mom and dad had returned to their seats after going "mobile cam". I asked if I had taken their seats they both said "no" but after I started realizing who belonged together, I started feeling weird. I was now sitting between the husband and wife and the wife and her mother. It was SO weird! I wanted to just leave the whole, darn musical but I stayed after insisting that the wife and I switch places.

Oh, so much is going on with Baby and I'm not sure how much I can/should really blog about right now. The good news first, she stood on her own, letting go and everything last Thursday! it was so exciting! We've never known her as a bi-ped. She was much better after this last visit. The caseworker and I put our heads together about why she was withdrawn last week and I think we've figured it out. I got a call this evening that Baby won't be having her visit with mom tomorrow because mom went into labor. Baby's a big sister as of tonight! I didn't know if I should visit mom in the hospital or not. What's the proper etiquette on that? I was making excuses to BR about it when Beatle chimed in with all of the love and wisdom you'd expect to get out of a spiritual leader when he/she rebukes you. We were flabbergasted. She was telling us to imagine how we'd feel in that hospital room, feeling all alone and thinking of all her babies. And, it wasn't till that moment that I realized that she really doesn't have anyone. She loves her kids and doesn't do so much as even smoke, she's got her problems, I know, but we all know parents like that but the big difference is that family or friends step in and provide that social support that all single moms need. She doesn't have that at all. We, undoubtedly, did a great thing tonight by taking her a devotional, a journal, and more pictures of Baby. We listened to her labor story, her description of how perfect he is and were the first ones to see him (and she had him a few hours before). Reflecting on Beatle and Birdie's births, there was such joy surrounding it; and while I felt many things, alone was NOT one of them and I wouldn't have had it any other way. My feelings of pity and saddness only grow when my mind returns to her at this time in her life. I can take NO credit for what we did tonight. Thank you, God, that my daughter knows you and she knows compassion for lonely people...even Meth Teeth. Sorry, I had to lighten it up, I was getting weepy.

Fork Tender

Growing up, not being much of a cook, I wasn't familiar with this term until just a few years ago. Using common sense, most could deduce what this term means--holding form and being firm on the outside but when speared, mush on the inside. Last week's visitation for Baby and her mom left me reeling from the fact that I, in all actuality, am fork tender.

I have a gruff and snippy tendency that I try, poorly, I'll admit, to mask in most situations but that's only covering up a big blob of feelings inside. Deep, deep down, most might confuse me with Mother Teresa. I joke! But really, I am, if nothing, a compassionate person.

It's really hard to explain why Wednesdays leave me feeling so broken down. I wonder if some of these feelings are just isolated to me or if most foster parents feel the same way. The ones I have talked to have had very disinterested birth parents so blessed is Baby that her mom still wants to be a part of her life but with that comes more face-to-face interactions for me and more confusing feelings. I'm sad for her mom, I'm sad for Baby, I'm mad at her mom, I'm jealous of her mom (that she gets to waltz in and be a two hour hero while I'm doing the day-to-day), I feel used, I resent Baby (for being so demanding at times that she takes me away from my own children), I love Baby, I don't want to love her too much...truly, these are things that course through my head all the time. Am I treating her fairly? Am I treating mine fairly? Could we take the new little brother coming in two weeks? Would I even want to if I could? What if rights get terminated? Would we adopt her? I'm just a mess. Six days out of the week, I know what our normal is even if I torture myself with some of these questions but that one bloody day throws it all out of whack. And when she came back the last time, she wouldn't smile at me or even establish eye contact with me that evening. Forget kisses or hugs. I figured that once she went to bed, she'd wake up smiley again, forgetting that confusing mess. But she didn't and, when she would look at me, it was with those same questioning eyes she had when we first got her in January. I wondered aloud to Brent if I was just being overly sensitive about it but then the daycare workers commented to him about it unsolicited. I feel like it took about 48 hours and prayers being lifted up to get back to normal so of course I'm anxious about tomorrow (if we still will have visitation as storms have knocked power out all over town). I need to do more praying about this and, for now, limit my face time with the birth mom till I get my head/heart on straight.